Freed from Rape, Betrayal, and Suicide

Have you ever been hurt so badly that you felt like you wanted to die, that life was so full of pain that it wasn’t worth living?  Our friend L shares an incredibly moving and personal testimony of how even in our darkest of moments where there is no hope, God has a plan to save what seemed impossible and redeem the unredeemable in our lives.

My testimony of redemption and deliverance is something very private to me, but I feel the Lord telling me that many women have had the same experiences and the shame and guilt is something that needs to be addressed so that others can be liberated through testimony. In my most painful of experiences I feel I must share so that others can come forth and also be free from their past mistakes.

I was 23 years old when I lost my virginity. While growing up I always had it instilled in my heart that I would save myself for my husband. I wasn’t Christian at that time, but for some reason looking back I knew God was protecting me. I wanted to wait until marriage because frankly I deserved the best and in my mind, I knew I would never settle. I also knew I was so emotionally and mentally unprepared for the consequences that could ensue with such a step as sex. I saw many of my friends give in and the foreseen destruction that occurred after. I didn’t want that. So while growing up I guarded my body, but I didn’t guard my heart. I fell in love many times, I jumped from relationship to relationship but always held my ground with my virginity. As difficult as it was, my boyfriends loved me and respected my boundaries, until I met (lets call him) Robert.

We met and I was immediately attracted to him. We dated right after my break up and I just went along with everything he said and I was just going through the motions. We dated for months and our sexual chemistry was very strong. One night while making out, we went to far. He basically raped me and when it happened I was in shock, as was he. I cried and he felt guilty. In that moment I knew that I was trapped. That this guy I didn’t even love would have to be my husband. I thought I had to do the right thing because the one thing that I treasured that held any worth or value in me was stripped away. He told me I love you and I’m going to marry you, but I saw my ideal future shattered to pieces. I lost my identity…[click “Read More” below to continue]

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“Lord, Why Was I Born Into This Family?”

Where is God when we are born into a family of abuse?  There are some wounds so deep that we can carry them with us our entire lives without knowing it.  But God has a plan for redemption and restoration for each of us.  Our friend Johnny shares a powerful testimony about abuse, anger and withdrawal, a search for meaning that led him across the world, and ultimately, radical and unexpected healing and forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. “ 

My testimony is about forgiveness.  It is something that I have struggled mightily with for decades.  Especially when it comes to my family.   

I had no relationship with my father growing up.  He was an old school Confucian raised in wartime Korea that didn’t believe in God. Anything but absolute obedience to his will wasn’t tolerated.  He was very cold.  One time, when I was ten, I went to the neighbors’ to play with their toys on Christmas morning. We never really celebrated Christmas.  I couldn’t resist playing with all my neighbors new transformers.  “Oh boy! Optimus Prime, Megatron?! Oh man!” The phone rang at my neighbors.  It was my parents.  They wanted me home.  So I went home.  Right when I walked in the door, my father smacked me, knocking me out.  When I regained consciousness, I looked in the mirror and saw that I had a black lip. He thought I was being disobedient.

My mother was a devoted Catholic bordering on fanaticism.  I can’t remember ever having missed mass. She was obsessed with the legalisms of Catholicism and never allowed me to miss mass, confession, or doing the rosary for that matter.  No exaggeration, I think I did tens of thousands of Hail Mary’s during my youth.  She was a submissive wife, obsessed with work, that enabled the mood swings of my father dominate the house.

I had an older sister (she’s no longer with us) who was very cruel and ignorantly abusive.  It probably didn’t help that my parents gave her full reign to do whatever she wanted to me, being the older sibling.  I remember always being hungry after school waiting in the library until my mom got off work to pick me up, while she would go and feast with her friends at some hamburger joint.  Slamming the door in my face was a regular occurrence.  That’s not a metaphor. (Like, physical door in my physical face) But I got used to it along with her beatings and name calling. It was a family where I just didn’t feel love…[click “Read More” below to continue]

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UPDATE: Can Prayer Wake Up Someone from a Coma? YES.

The more I find out about Jimmy’s story of healing, the more I realize how God’s hand was truly on his life.  On Saturday night, I took Nikko’s invitation to go to a fundraiser for Jimmy’s medical bills at Palms Cycle on Venice and Motor. 

As I mentioned in the last post, I felt that God had a plan for the fixed gear biking community - that they would hear the story of Jimmy’s miraculous healing and that their hearts would be convicted for the Lord.  I remember God putting that on my heart, even before I found out that Jimmy had woken up from the coma.  So as I parked my car across the street from Palms Cycle on Saturday, I stopped to pray before I went in.  I prayed “God, I’m here because of you.  Whoever you want me to meet tonight, send them to me, make it happen.”

So I walked into the back lot behind Palms Cycle, not knowing what to expect…[click “Read More” below to continue]

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Getting to No

I remembered being attracted to him when we first met but I kept it to myself because I knew he wasn’t Christian, and also I was secretly scared I didn’t have a chance. When he asked me out I didn’t hesitate to say yes. He kissed me on our first date and naturally I liked it. The chemistry is off the charts when you’re attracted to someone. We only made it through two dates before God intervened.

I knew it was wrong to date him. Even though we both agreed it would be casual (no sex, open relationship with zero intention for marriage) I knew God wouldn’t permit it since he wants his kids to be with liked yolk (2 Corinthians 6:14). I had serious intentions to end it before feelings and soul ties developed but I didn’t do it. I was knowingly sinning against God because I knew the truth but I couldn’t get myself to do the right thing. I was strong enough to keep it just to kissing during the first two dates but I had serious doubts I could keep it up for long. Lucky for me God intervened and saved both me and him from committing sexual sin.

I struggle with lust and maintaining purity in romantic relationships. Before I knew Jesus I thought sexual consummation equaled love in relationships. How could you not want to be intimate with someone you care deeply about? I reasoned sex was warranted in relationships when two people have strong feelings of love. I thought it was in line with God’s definition however the caveat was you had to be in a committed relationship like marriage, which God deems as a safe and healthy place for couples to unionize in a holy manner. And I knew why—-we develop soul ties and get attached. It’s this bond that helps keep us together for the long haul —-God’s intended design for relationships (What are soul ties —-> http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/soulties.php).  I’ve been in relationships that dragged on for almost 5 years because our soul ties were so strong we couldn’t fully cut each other out until we formed “ties” with others. I wasn’t fully freed from my soul ties until I experienced healing and deliverance prayer three years earlier. I knew I was healed but the urge for sex didn’t go away.

I said no to the third date only because I was sick but as I was getting better I knew I couldn’t stay away for long. We sent flirty texts to each other all day. It was borderline sexting (sex texting). I couldn’t stop thinking about him in that way. It was so bad I had to go for walks to “cool down”. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me because 3 years earlier I had zero problems maintaining purity for God. I’d date guys for weeks to months at a time and not so much as kiss them. Sex didn’t cross my mind and lust wasn’t even on the radar. But in this particular situation I wasn’t doing so well. I was so ashamed because I knew God’s word but I couldn’t get myself to do the right thing. I told no one which made the situation worse. I continued to secretly talk to him.

After another steamy text session I sensed God telling me to lookup Romans 6:12-23, which was about refraining from sinning of the flesh. I immediately became fearful and I prayed God would make the lustful feelings go away, but that didn’t happen fast enough so I repented my sin of lust and begged God to keep the guy far away from me because I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. God answered that prayer immediately.

For the next two and half months “unforeseen circumstances” kept occurring in both our lives that made it IMPOSSIBLE for us to meet up. His computer at work crashed, he had car problems, then he had to work late. Stuff happened to me too. Dad got sick so I had to leave LA and stay NorCal for 2-3 weeks, then I had to work late, I was out of commission because mom offered to pay for mole removal surgery, then the planned events where we were suppose to “run into each other” got canceled 3 times. The list went on.

During that time apart my desire to do lustful things dissipated as God showered me with tremendous grace and love. He got me to a place where I was strong enough to permanently end the relationship, not because of guilt or shame, but because I had fallen so in love with Jesus I couldn’t continue to hurt him anymore. God didn’t want me to see that guy but God gave me the free will to say no. By taking over the situation he helped eased me into a place where I could think clearly and empowered me to a point where I could be strong.

1 John 5:14-15

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

(http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/1376192/ info on christian dating)