Go Green

I got to know God really well from a very humbling experience.  A few years back he had asked me to quit my job and I remembered panicking at the thought of not having an income.   I remembered reading Joshua 1:9 and sensed God was speaking directly to me with the verse:  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” I had read the bible numerous of times and have often been critical of characters who were weak in faith like the rich young ruler, who refused to sell off everything to follow God.  I thought that if I were in his place I would have whole-heartedly given away everything because I had experienced God so intimately.  I thought I loved God more than the world but I soon found out I was no better than the people I criticized. 

I didn’t want to quit because I had a good position with a good salary in a bad economy.  I was so scared because I wasn’t prepared for what would happen afterwards.  I remembered asking God to give me peace and clarity about this decision but I just became more and more confused.   My emotions were all over map.  I felt peace one day and then had anxiety attacks the next.  I became so confused that I wasn’t sure if it was God asking me to leave my job.  So I began praying differently.  Just like Gideon, I asked for a specific sign so I would know it was God speaking to me.  I prayed, “Lord, please help me because I’m so lost and confused.  I don’t know left from right and up from down.  Please tell me clearly if you want me to quit my job.  Please give me a sign.  Please…please…please help me…like put something in my chair at work so that I know it’s you.  Please let me know if it’s a green light to go.”  Files were usually hand delivered to me or left on my desk.  Rarely, if at all, was anything dropped off on my chair.  At the time I didn’t know God would answer tangible and specific prayers so I figure I would ask for the impossible so that I could continue to keep my job.

A few weeks later I almost fainted when I found the Business 2.0 magazine in my chair titled “Go Green”. Not only does no one ever leave anything in my chair, but God had literally given me the “green light” I had specifically asked him for.  There was my answer: quit your job.   

I know what I had to do but I was too scared to do it.  I couldn’t handle all the insecurities that came with being jobless so I hid from God.  I stopped reading the bible and I stopped praying all together.  I was laid off a year later.  I thought I got want I deserved but to my surprise God blessed me.  He gave me a large severance package and bonuses that more than cover the number of months that I was unemployed.  He took care of me.   Instead of punishing me for not having faith, Jesus loved me to a point of gentle repentance so that I would come back to him.  It was humbling to get undeserved grace.  I repented, God forgave me and we started over.

I wish I could tell you that I am at a point where I can give up everything for God.  Walking in faith is still a struggle, however by God’s grace I am improving.  I am learning to trust.  I guess for me it’s not something instantaneous, rather it’s more like a process—-steps in faith.  And it’s by God’s grace I am able to see his unconditional love and devotion for someone like me despite my shortcomings.  He has every reason to not love me but he still does.  It’s because of his faithfulness our relationship still works.  Even though this isn’t one of my proudest moments, I’m grateful it happened because I got to see deeper into who God—someone worthy of leaving a job for.