My Awakening
Our friend boldly shares how God rescued her from the brokenness, abuse and destruction stemming from her childhood. Let her story remind us that even in the midst of darkness, God is knocking at the door of our hearts just waiting for us to open the door and experience life through Him. Will you let our Father in today?
Looking back, I’ve come a long way. I was baptized as a baby, received confirmation at 15, and went to church almost every Sunday of my life. But I stopped believing in Christ 11 years ago. Guess it was when my dad started to yell and hit me every time my report cards and progress reports came home, and because of my occasional disobedience. It hadn’t always been that way. I used to do be his golden child until he turned to alcohol.
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I didn’t realize why I became so discouraged and unconfident from a young age - I was such a bright and happy kid up until the 1st grade - when the bullying started at school (it was the subtle kind of bullying, which still is bullying. It’s just harder to notice.)
Anyway, I couldn’t believe that God could just watch me get hurt emotionally and physically. (It wasn’t as bad as some cases, but I am sensitive, so it really did get to me.) I couldn’t believe such a supreme being could be so cold. That’s how I became an atheist in 7th grade.
After I converted into atheism, I kept encountering ghosts so in 9th grade, I gave it up, knowing that there was something spiritual at work. That’s when I learned about alternative religions, all different forms of paganism. After a few years of picking up various ideas and beliefs, I didn’t know what to think or how to feel anymore. Though it seemed nice to be free to construct my own religion with as little structure as I wanted, it soon felt as though my world was spinning out of control. I sunk into depression as my relationship with my family, especially my dad, grew more distant and tense. My dad started punching me on my head as punishment for “being bad.” At that point, I stopped caring about school and just about everything.
My unstable emotional state showed in my school work and writing content, which triggered school teachers to send me to a therapist intern. The intern was a man in his late twenties who also happened to be a pedophile. Fortunately, he was caught before he could do anything physical, but at the expense of my emotional trauma. So, yeah, I had to get help from a professional therapist and school. Thankfully, my friends were really understanding and nurturing, doing everything they could to get me through the tough transition.
Eventually, I grew a little wiser and calmed down a lot. My family calmed down a lot, too. We talked out our differences during times of confrontation, and avoided resorting to physical punishment. But my dad broke his promise to never hit me again twice. After high school things were still unstable. I tried to kill myself a few times, but I knew there was something divine that stopped me and that told me, “No. I won’t let you.” The voice was distinct and masculine. It was firm, yet there was love underlying love. Even though I knew this was a divine intervention, I didn’t want to give up my ‘“freedom,” so I kept my agnostic charade.
Two Decembers ago, we put my dog to sleep because she was old and suffering from cancer. There was no way she’d be able to survive it. It was her time to go. Though we all knew it had to be as this was the only way she could rest in peace w/ some dignity, it was hard for all of us. It hit me the hardest because she was my best friend; we grew up together and spent almost every day together.
It took me over 2 days to get over the shock. I cried, but found no solace from the frustration and despair. She had been my only reason for living for the past 10 years. The stress was so intense and I cried to hard that my eyesight was very foggy. It got to the point where it was hard to see anything because everything looked so blurry and white. It didn’t matter if I was wearing contacts, glasses, used solution, wore sunglasses, or didn’t have any lenses on. It didn’t matter if I tried to look and something far away or an inch from my face… I couldn’t see.
On the third day, I was so desperate that I did the only thing left to do. I did the only thing I could do. I prayed.
I prayed, asking God if He really exists, if He’s listening to me and if He cares about me, to show me a sign. I never prayed like that before, but the weird thing was, it really felt like something or someone a little to my right side, was in the air and listening. So I remained sitting and waited.
In less than a minute, my eyesight was back to normal. I could see clearly with my contacts! It was as though the foggy vision never happened! “Oh my gosh…God is real. …This changes everything,” I whispered. I immediately told my family about my prayer and how God showed me His love in seconds. They were relieved and happy that I repented and believed… truly believed. It was midnight, Christmas morning. Seriously, that was the best Christmas gift ever. I was truly humbled to receive from Him on the day we celebrate HIS birthday! And I’d been faithless for 10 years!
I promised the Lord that I would meet Him halfway and seek to get to know Him personally; I also asked if He’d allow me a grace period of a month to grieve. Immediately, I sensed His understanding. A month passed and I actively sought God. I eventually found a new home church and started a relationship with God as I learned about Him.
My family didn’t like that I wasn’t attending a Catholic church anymore; they were outraged. But they saw me change a lot in 3 months. With my transfiguration into an actual daughter of God, our family dynamics changed drastically for the better. Though it hurt to be abused by my dad and ignored by my mom and brother, they hadn’t meant to hurt me. My dad had been frustrated because he wanted me to do my best. He’s only known the culture he grew up with and the way he was raised, so he applied it to me. This was why my brother and I were abused, although my brother to less of an extent.
It was only a month ago that I realized that when I locked my heart away from God, I’s locked it from everyone and everything else. Sure, I still have my insecurities, but He’s helping me to confide and trust in Him more and more, and to radiate His love to others. It doesn’t cease to amaze me how immeasurable His love is. He’s waited for me to accept Him. He wanted me. He wanted me to accept Him. Sometimes I can’t believe He loves me even though I know He does. I think it’s hard to understand God because His unconditional love and wisdom surpasses everything.
Last night, God spoke to me through my brother. My brother’s words impacted a deep part of my soul and resonate with everyone like me… everyone who has ever struggled with self-worth: “God loves you. You know God loves you. You love God, right? So why can’t you love yourself? If you don’t love yourself, then… you do not truly love God. Because He made you out of love.” Wow. Never saw it that way before. :)
