Wineskins

Ever feel like you’ve been distant from God?  Are you praying, and still waiting for an answer?  Bonnie, a Voice for WitnessLA, shares her experience of wrestling with life, prayer, and her purpose as a designer.

And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the old skins would burst from the pressure, spilling the wine and ruining the skins. New wine is stored in new wineskins so that both are preserved. -Matthew 9:17

For the past 3 week a restlessness loomed over my mind. Nothing is horribly wrong in my life. In fact, nothing is wrong. Yet, I’ve felt a distance from God that has brought me into  questioning my beliefs. Did God abandon me? Did I do something wrong? Why am I feeling this way? 

It started with me walking into a building that could still be the perfect place to run Freedom and Fashion out of. High ceilings, live/work zoned, plenty of parking and affordable rent. This was a miracle. Yet, when speaking with the owner, he said he had promised someone else to look at it before he offers it to us. The most disappointing news was that she was using it for storage space. During those two weeks after the walk through, I fasted. The team fasted. We prayed daily. GBS church people prayed, Passion Church people prayed. Various people prayed. Yet, I found myself talking to the owner on the phone asking about the space only a few days ago. The lady still hasn’t put in a deposit yet. I don’t understand. 

I’ve digressed a bit. This recent happening was highlighting the struggle I was going through, not with the space, but with my faith. I couldn’t believe God was good for some reason. I felt He had teased us, and trying to see if we would be faithful. I’ve felt pretty angry for a few days, then my mother rebuked me, “God does not play around like that.” 

I wish the story would end that we got the space. We still don’t know because the lady has not put down a deposit yet. I am still calling almost daily about the space. But what I did learn was God had something else to teach me, and I’m in the middle of not knowing what that something else is. I’ve been praying and reading the word. I haven’t “felt” him emotionally, even after coming back from my anger. It’s as if He is just stood a stone throw’s away, and I couldn’t figure out why He won’t walk closer to me.

Until today. 

During another prayer session filled with both frustration and well, frustration, I felt Him speak: 

“I’ve taken away the feelings so you can pour out into your gifts. Worship me through the talents I’ve entrusted to you.” 

I got up from praying, when upstairs, and wrote this down on a piece of paper. I took that paper and taped it on my wall. God knows me pretty well. I’m the type of person that sees the immediate need of life/people and tends to  put my artistic desires in life aside. For instance, if I had the choice of babysitting a friend’s child over writing a song, I would pick putting up with a crazy kid. If it were counseling a friend versus creating an art piece, well it would be the friend of course. But the interesting thing that would happen over and over again is this - I felt I was neglecting myself. I was no longer a friend to myself. Instead, I was a taskmaster and felt it silly if I enjoyed the arts over caring for another human being. 

It is okay to enjoy the passions that God has given. Yes, it is in His time that he develops these passions, yet denying them altogether binds us into a life of law, not of grace. I’m not entirely sure what God is doing with revealing this, but I am truly excited. To worship God through making artistic projects is a dream come true! I feel the blessing from Him, and even though I still don’t “feel” he is near, I know it’s okay for now.