Giving

It’s always easier to give when you have a lot but it’s so much more difficult to be generous when you have little. Our friend shares how she allowed her financial circumstances dictate her giving and caused her to have a “shortfall” in her relationship with God.  

I remembered letting the offering bowl pass by without putting anything into it.  It was the first time in years I had done so.  I had recently lost my job and was living off of unemployment so it didn’t make sense for me to tithe when I barely had enough to cover my living expenses.  I felt justified.  Why give when it will cause you to not have enough to pay your bills.  Isn’t paying your bills godly since it’s showing love to those who owe you money?  I reasoned that if God had wanted me to give He would have given me the resources to do.  Although all these reasons made sense me, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy by what I had done. 

I remembered not being able to sleep that night because something just didn’t feel right about not giving that morning.  I thought it could be guilt or feeling shameful about my monthly budget, but as I ran my expenses over and over in my head, I concluded that every cost was justified.  Everything was meant to be there but what didn’t make sense to me was the monthly allowance I was given.  A small part of me began questioning whether God’s monthly stipend to me made sense.  Maybe God errored in this area and made it so that I couldn’t be generous—-heck maybe he just wanted me have rest in giving since I’ve done it so often in the past.  My thoughts wandered even more as I began wishfully thinking I could do so much more to serve God if He had only given more resources. 

The story of the widow’s offering in Luke 21:1-4 ran through my head that night.  Jesus was especially touched by her offering because although it was very little in comparison with the offering from others, it was all that she had.  She was very poor but gave all she had because she believed in Jesus.  I felt God was challenging me with her story by putting it into my thoughts.  I wrestling with God and asked “but who will take care of her, Lord?  She’s all alone with no money.  How will she pay rent, or eat, or take care of herself?”  The widow is noted in the bible for her good deed but there was NOTHING in the bible about what happened to her afterwards.  Another bible story immediately came to mind to answer that question.  However I wasn’t sure if it was spirit inspired since it’s one of those generic stories that has been told countless times in church.  It’s the classic bible story all Christians share whenever someone is stressed out about resources and although it had been overplayed in my church and my walk, I couldn’t help but feel convicted by it.  It’s where Jesus tells his followers to not worry about following Him because God will take care of them (Matthew 6:25-34).  I had heard it a million times but for some reason that night, I felt convicted in a way I had never felt before.  The uneasiness I felt from not tithing that morning began to make sense: I didn’t give not so much because I didn’t have the resources to do it, but because I didn’t trust God would take care of me if I were to run out of money. 

I didn’t know I felt this way but when tested it was exposed.  I knew I had to deal with this area of struggle and the only way to resolve it was to choose firmly to tithe or not tithe.  I decided I would do whatever it took to honor God, even if it didn’t make sense to me to financially to do so.  My relationship with God was more important than my bills.  If God is really who he says he is and if he really promised to take care of me, then everything will work out.  I went online and tithed that night.  I didn’t feel great doing it but the heaviness I felt from denying God was lifted.  At the very least I was able to go to bed afterwards.  I wasn’t sure what would happen but I figured I would deal with the anxiety and stress from the financial shortfall I created in my monthly budget at another time. 

Over the next few weeks miracles upon miracles began to occur.  Although I didn’t have enough money to pay for school and monthly living expense, all these things somehow were paid for every month.  I had tried looking for a job to pay for school but was unsuccessful. God made it so that my old company contacted me out of the blue for a contract gig that paid just enough to cover tuition cost.  I had a shortfall every month but somehow it’s covered.  I don’t have an explanation for it except for “praise Jesus!”  There have been times where friends and family have given me money despite not knowing anything about my financial situation.  I never asked for the money nor did I give any indications that I needed it however the fact that such generosity was shown to me was clearly an act of God.   

God showed me that the “shortfall” I had was not in my monthly budget, but how my heart was towards Him every month. I cheated him by not trusting him.  I gave every month but my heart wasn’t in it.  God wanted me to give with my heart in each monthly offering and I didn’t do that. When I allowed God to deal with that area of unbelief and mistrust in my life, I was able to worship him free of constraints.  I was also able to experience his love and blessings beyond what I can imagine or explain.  Now as I look back at the story of the widow who gave everything she had to God and can now fill in the ending that was left out: I know with absolutely certainty that God took care of her.